.happiness.

2011-12-30T23:24:00.000-08:00

Last day of 2011.

So anyways

24 december 2011 Saturday:
Christmas party at my aunt's house (Paternal)
Watched horror movie
FIRST TIME SIA. hahahahhaa horror movie on a christmas night.
I was sitting next to my grandma (dam cutee)
hahaha she not scared sia. Instead, im the one screaming and covering my eyes (as usual)
Chatted with Nicea in her room ^^
And then home.

Okay so I had nightmare that night. N my nightmare was onli 5 seconds :O
Got such a shock that I woke up with my heart pumping like mad.
FIRST TIME.
I just saw 3 people. N the middle one freaked me out. okay nvm.

25 december 2011
The next morning, went temple
Went home to sleep lol.
Then went grandma's house for dinner.
Went kovan get contact lens.
Went Aunt's house (maternal)
They were singing and I was just stoning
Chatted with my cousins.
Had fun playing with those little ones ;)

Yup so thats my christmas. Thank you people. :)

Time pass so fast.
Entered poly in 2010. N now im already year 2.

2011 is one of the most challenging year compared to the others. But Ive learnt many many things.
So many losses, so many lessons.
N i have came to a conclusion. The world is unfair, but it is balanced.
I have no idea whether its a good thing or wad but I guess I need to stay on the positive side.

The last day of 2011, and Im left empty.
Its a choice.
Tthe last day of 2011, and I finally admit how vulnerable I am.
I was never hurt until I let my defenses down, and believe in things called love, trust, understanding, companion, basically things that made me believe that someone will be there each time i fall, or someone who listens, stay and support me no matter wad happens.
I never believed in any of those before. Never.
Its onli when I enter poly then i start to realized hey, maybe such stuff exist

N now im desperately trying to be whoever I was last time. Before poly starts.
Thats the only thing I can do to protect myself.

Faced major changes in 2011.
But its okay, I will bring them to 2012.
Make sure I wont make similar mistakes again.
Make sure I follow my priorities.
And most importantly, change my priorities.
Dont place people who arent worth it, at the top.
Dont place people who dont put me as the first few, at the top.

I know, I realized.
So many things.
Sigh.
N i have been making the same mistakes over and over again
Hoping and hoping.

So i guess the most impt thing now, is to change my priorities.
And harden myself.
Before 2012.

Have no idea wad kind of a year 2012 will be.
But please DONT END.

N i will be going chengdu from March till April. Im gna miss my family. :((
Gna spend more time with them before I go chengdu.

I just wish 2012 will be smooth.
I will be smarter, more independent, treasure and be thankful for certain people in my life, everything to be smooth, and be more sensible.

Okay thats all.
HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!!! :))

2011-12-18T01:39:00.000-08:00

Cts over.

Pharmacology
Was alright
Pharmaceutics
Tests the ability to explain
Microbiology
Was fml
Clinical biochemistry
Was DIFFICULT.

"I did it".

2 months past. Not much stuff happen. But then again, its because Im more or less used to certain stuff. As time goes, they just became less significant. Those feelings, those heartaches, those memories...

Repetitive but insignificant.

I did certain things that I nvr knew I could do. One of the hardest, was to change my priorities. Because Ive been asking myself again and again: Am I one of their priorities?
The answer is no. The answer has been the same all along, just that I wasnt that brave then.
I know the consequences behind everything I do, everything I post, is going to pull me further into the hole Ive just digged for myself.

Certain feeling just refuse to go away. It would probably be better if Im cuter/richer/skinnier/taller/prettier/humorous/joyful or wadeva crap Im not. But im just not any of those, nothing changes and those inferior feelings will never go away. I know to love myself, to be myself, to treasure myself or wadeva bullshit. But how can u do all those stuff WHEN u happen to see those judgement through their eyes?
I didnt even manage to pass the test given 8 years ago. How am I supposed to pass this test?
The whole world was judging/discriminating/gossiping about my best friend. N i left her.
She told me one day she was really thankful to me for not being part of those "gangs", and she appreciate me and treat me as her bestfriend cause Im different. But a few days later, I left her. N u know how the story goes.

This time, its me. Im her. How am I to live with it?
I carn. So Ive decided to leave.
For a while or sometime or permanently... I dont know.

Sometimes I feel like I deserved certain things.
I tend to only want to tell my problems to people Im close to, and not those Im not close to.
N the funny thing is that those friends whom Im not close to, are the ones who are willing to listen.
I really dont know.
Everything has been inside. Not on the verge of exploding, cause I always find a way to "buffer" it. What if... What if one day I carn take it anymore?

I read back one of my post. The super long one. The one I mentioned about "her".
I actually cried. In fact, compared to that post, nothing much changed. Just as Ive mentioned, repetitive but insignificant.

One of the biggest challenge and change in my life.

Last week to be specific, I was looking down from my 9th floor (NO im not trying to die)
I was bored from my notes.
N i suddenly thought of the times, when me and my brother would shout across, to the busstop opposite, asking my mum, who is leaving for work to come home early.
FROM THE 9TH FLOOR. LOL
This happens almost everyday
N i being the innocent one, will squeeze next to my brother and do the same LOL
Like fun only.
N i suddenly realised how much my brother has done for me all these years
Buying lunch for me, birthday presents, sharing his toys with me, playing games with me etc... In fact, one big part of my life consists of him. I still remember the times he kept trying to disturb me/tease me/ make fun of me hahahaha making me mad pissed. But he was just trying to play with me.
sighh wad a bad sister I am.

Nothing much. Really. N sorry to those who tried to helped me. Sorry for pushing ur arms away again and again. Nothing much. Im just afraid. Sorry.

Suffering the consequences that I deserved. I can only blame myself.

Nothing changed.

2011-10-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

Time passes so fast.
6 weeks of hols gone.
N school is starting
Another few months of hell...

Holiday was okay.
I've learnt some stuff about myself.
I've learnt to accept certain stuff about myself.
Convincing myself that its my nature, to do those stuff or whatsoever.

Certain bad habits couldnt be brushed off just like that.
Emphasizing the fact that Im just using a different way from others to stay alive or survive
When in fact, Im just a coward hiding behind those self-made scars.

Inferiority settled down the day when everything fell apart (before the hols)
N I hope hols will be better or whatsoever.
Things did turn better... But those wounds nvr seem to go away
It doesnt hurt, but its ugly.
Scars are nvr pretty.
N i made them uglier.

There are ways.
Ways to deal with those inferior feelings.
Definitely.
But I dont like them.
Accepting my nature, doesnt mean I like the way I m.
I dont like her.
She can be heartless.
Because all she have to do, is to make up stories... Which will eventually blind the truth and free the devil inside her.

The little devil inside her is getting stronger.
Because recently, she found a place for this devil of hers.

So i got my results
Did quite badly. But i wasnt really upset.
A sigh of relieve as I survived through immuno and pharn
;)
GPA dropped by quite a lot.
Luckily my previous 2 sems pulled it up (positive much?)

A few outings n dinner with clique ;)
Love them <3

Find jobs through internet, phone calls or newspapers with clique
End up only one ONZ. LOL.

Worked as a surveyor with jiexi and jaime.
Dam freaking sian.
Go around asking people to do surveys
but not that bad. (Only if u r hardworking)

Clique celebrated me and renee's 18th birthday at vivocity ;)
Had fun taking pics and yeaa gossip and chat
had dinner at pizza hut ;)
Aglio Olio! My favourite!
hahaha

Turning 18 was okay.
I CAN SMOKE, DRINK AND CLUB ALR!
HELL YEAHHH!
But nah, I wont smoke
At most only drink and club.

I had fun too on the day of my birthday :)
Thank you guys for all the wishes ;)
A happy girl who couldnt stop smiling.
Excited, but at the same time, know certain things wont happen.
Oh wells :)
Im a big girl now
Ive promised to leave certain things behind, before turning 18
:)
N I hope I will be able to do it.

11October 2011
Met up with francesca
:)
Long time no see her.
I miss primary school days
As well as secondary.

12 October 2011
Nightout was interesting :)
Was supposed to go sentosa for picnic :(
But was raining so we stayed at jam's house and cook, stone, talk
Slept for a little while before changing and preparing.
Made our way to prata house for dinner before heading on to clarke quay.
Met franny and she brought us into zirca and rebel.
Me like rebel dance floor ;)
Zirca was okay too
It wasnt so bad. I mean it wasnt as complicated as I thought it would be
Maybe cause I was with a big group of girls.
Overall was okay except for some gw-ed people
Went macs chill after that
Went back in zirca to see people dance and took photos
Left the place at 3am
Went back jam's house and wash up
Drank breezer.
A little "seh"
Slept at 6am

And yea went home next day ;)

That's my holiday ;)

Time to get ready for school.

I dno whats gna happen.
I hope I will be ready
For any unknowns.

2011-08-26T02:51:00.000-07:00

This will be a short one. I guess there isnt any need to extend any of those misery. I have reasons to leave everything till the end: Im just any normal human being who waits for the time to carry everything away.
I probaby have no readers left at this space. No one can guess when or what Im gna post. No one likes to be wrong. I guess I had to apologise... My illness is acting up again. N I m sad to say, till today, I still have no control over it. Its taking my life away bit by bit.
Every step I take, begins with lots of courage, and ended with tons of fear.

Exams are over.

Pharm analysis paper
I was looking at the clock throughout, hoping everything will end faster, despite only finishing a few questions.

MCDD
My stomach was growling so badly that I laughed to myself during the paper.

Pathology
One of my favourite modules.

Immunology
One of the most challenging module.

That ended what my semester. 3 more semesters and Im leaving.

Ever since she left the place where she was protected all her life, where she was taught how to spell, speak and write, nothing has been going right for her. All she could do when times are bad, was to be naive, be hopeful, in order to survive the ordeal. It then occurr to her that, there is really such a thing called "no choice". She had a window next to her, and she knew, she could easily just open it, and end everything now.

2 years ago, around this time, she was praised by her teacher. She topped her class for the first time in her life, and her teacher praised her for gaining or learning lots of moral values. She laughed to herself. She wouldnt call whatever she did behind people's back "moral". She didnt kill, she didnt set a fire or did any harm to anyone physically. And of course, she didnt cheat.
2 years later, she sat in a room filled with 40 students, on the verge of crying cause she only know how to do a few sums. It was the first time. She had never felt so helpless in an exam room.

She had every reason to get upset. But she had every reason not to be, at that point of time. She looked back at whatever she did in the past. She felt dumb. They had left all the consequences for her to deal with. She hated herself alot of times, for getting upset over the same things, over and over again. It took her so long to realise that they treat her like nothing. She treasure them... alot... really really alot. She could even risk certain things for them, but end up? ... She dont deserve those treatments. She really dont.
I say she dont. They dont even care about how she feels, how she thinks. They just do whatever they like, say whatever they want. She didnt ask for alot. She just need them, to consider her presence and feelings... sometimes.

10 june 2011. She could never forget that day. She was home from her last paper that day. She saw her mom changed. Her mom told her grandma's condition was critical. She wanted to visit her that day. She blamed herself today, why she didnt. She wasnt next to her bedside when she left. Her cousin was searching for her, desperately trying to gather all of the kins next to her. She wasnt there. She wasnt there. She wasnt there. She wasnt there. She wasnt there. She never thought that it would happen. She really didnt. Grandma had been admitted to hospital several times. She really didnt expect this time round, grandma left. She felt so guilty. She kept wondering where grandma went, what happen when a person dies, and how will it feels like. She kept thinking of how grandma was when she was alive... how grandma used to cook for her and her family, how grandma knew that she and her siblings love bagua and so she bought it every cny for them. How she insist on giving her and her siblings angbaos even when she wasnt working. All those years, she realised, how much she has been taking grandma for granted. Always wanting to leave early and stuff, always relunctant to go her house bai nian. Im sorry grandma. Grandma... where are you? This question never left her. N each time she thought about everything that happen, she couldnt help but start to cry. She did manage to see grandma one last time. At the wake. When it was all too late.

15 june 2011. She got drunk. She realised she couldnt take it anymore. It wasnt just her grandma's death. It wasnt just that. Just 2 months, and she was so badly scarred, truamatised. She hated the world. The people in her world. Why are they so mean? Why no one care about her feelings? Why no one bother to respect her? Why did so many things went wrong? Why couldnt she be smarter and alert? Why did she make so many mistakes? Why did people have to use her as a replacement? Why didnt they consider her presence? Why did they judge her? She cried for the whole night.

16th june 2011. And she naively thought things will get better for the next few months

25th August 2011. It didnt.

She was mocked at, insulted, not respected, discarded, tested, judged.
Things will probably be better if she didnt have high expectations of herself. If she didnt hurt herself like how others did, if she didnt punish herself and love herself more. Her life went downwards. N she continues to fall. Karma used this opportunity to bring her down even further. N of all things, she was forced to reflect and judge herself.

Someone came along and played psychology game with her. She got tested, and the tester got seen through by her. She blame herself. Because she wasnt fast enough to deal with it. The tester got her way, and brought her confidence down. One of the gifts karma brought to her.

It took her so long to figure one thing. Her past. She has been trying to live like how she did in the past, digging those past memories, hoping things will get better. She tried so hard to walk in those shadows of hers. And each time she thought she successfully did, it went away. N there she goes again.
She was never afraid of happiness, sadness, disappointments, consequences. The only thing that killed her was judgement. She was afraid to be judged by people. She knew from the start, she was different from people around her. It wasnt given to her as a choice... if she ever wants to be herself.

She hated herself for allowing her defense to go low. She hated herself for allowing herself to get affected by other people. She hated herself for not being able to be herself.

She has a happy, loving family. They love her. But she took everything for granted. She didnt want to tell her parents whatever she has been dealing with, and she didnt want them to know what their daughter has become over the years. She feels out of the family. She is too complicated. Too heartless. Too cold. They are a happy family. She shouldnt have destroy it.

Never to doubt changes... She reminded herself. N she went around banging walls, getting injured and moving on. Till she realised... Each time she woke up, she found herself in different places. How screwed can her life be.

She hated herself so much, that she didnt even want to be herself anymore.

She is probably better off dead.

2011-06-25T00:49:00.000-07:00

Assumptions.

Too much intended expressions.

I guess psychology is only useful for making someone change their mind or whatsoever.

It no longer has a use to read a person's mind.
Because of assumptions, because of intended expressions, thoughts etc... ...

Maybe one day I will just assume the whole world dont love me, and then i just go be some misanthropist, burying myself into the woods, isolating myself from this complicated world.

Assumptions are the cause of everything.

LZA, you are not her.
YOU CAN REFUSE TO BE HER.
YOU CAN DONT FOLLOW THOSE FOOTSTEPS.

So far, I only heard one good news
and I hope I have the courage.

School is starting next week. :((

My heart still ache whenever I think of her.

Just that there isnt any more tears left, for me to cry
Ever since that day...

I suspect Ive overused my tears that night.

I miss her still.

I want to remember her giving out angbaos, cooking for us and everything.

I dont give a dam about how much those angbaos contain, i just to remember how she was, when she was alive.

That week, I had 2 chalets

One of which i got drunk, and another was to celebrate father's day

Cruel enough, I went back to the place where I was drunk, just to intrigue those painful memories once again.

Good girl Gone bad
I wanted to ask a cigarette from my cousin.
We met before the whole celebration thing starts.

But I didnt.

Some questions are unnecessary.
Those answers are always there. Just that we lost them in our midst of joy and happiness.

Why did we end up here in the first place?

Ive been trying to avoid her.

There shouldnt be any chances of us hurting one another.
For now.

Warnings were given, but she didnt care
She said she tried, I dont see how...

She spammed comments on facebook, obviously childish and annoying.

I dont see how mature I was, since I started the post.

BUT I didnt put it like in obvious way, like who is she or what she did or blah.

1 lala, 1 sushi, 1 eggyolk.
I lmao-ed each time to myself whenever i thought of eggyolk
HOW? just HOW did she come into my mind. -.-

I am still upset.
About certain things, here and there
Nothing is making me feel better

Except for one aim.

So the second week is more peaceful, compared to the ra ra first week.

I think I forgot to mention other than the 2 chalets, i had 2 sleepovers. One during class chalet and another at jiexi's.

Second week is basically catching up and stuff.

Went out with clique, met francesca and had dinner and slack at one corner of vivo (tuesday)

Went shopping with mum on wednesday in the afternoon (bugis), and with jam,harley,jx,ly at night (orchard, forever21).

Spent like omg 100++.

Bought 2 shorts, 4 tops (Y), 1 belt.

N i had mars ball! (Y)

Thats my holiday.

Kinda screwed.

I guess if it isnt screwed, it is not called LIFE.

I guess there isnt anything much to prepare for school.
Except for one thing.

There are still certain things to be taught, to be learnt.

Thats all for now.

2011-06-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

weaknesses.

Ive only reached the first half of the year of 2011, and so many things happen.
I wonder what the second half of the year brings.

Indeed, the complexity of a person's mind can be really scarey.
Sometimes, its just about twisting and turning.

I got drunk, and Im not proud of it.
I forced myself awake, because I want myself to remember whatever that have happened at the time when I was drunk.

It wasnt something to be proud of, but it was worth an experience. -.-
At least now I know I am not able to go further than 5 cups of mixed vodkas + a few gulps of absolute vodka.

I dislike the taste of vodka, I only like the feeling of the warmth in my tummy.

I made a fuss till 5am+ in the morning, till I was sober enough to realised that there were actually 6 people around me, accompanying me and sort of taking care of me.
Went back chalet after that.

My mind was thankfully clear enough to remember things that happen, though I could not really remember EVERYTHING Ive said.
My whole body was numb, especially between the lips and nose area. I knew I was awake
I remember scolding one of my friend, and I remember apologising to him after a few more cups -.-
I was clear enough to not leak out lala, eggyolk's real name and many other codes I used.
I was definitely clear enough to not say out my GPA and to remember my chalet toilet has no more toilet paper, and i need to get tissues from my own bag and etc... ...
The only thing Im embarassed about is that I keep repeating my words -.-
woahhh seh
plus asking my friends sensitive questions.

They say they didnt take it to heart
how much of a truth things are, I have no idea.
But I apologised and I did whatever I could to make myself feel better

I wont get drunk for nothing.
Its the same logic as I wont let myself bleed for nothing.

The only thing I believe in, is that as long as you get to the point you wish to be at, you dont have to question about how you reached there.

Right or wrong, as long as it appears to be on the side where the majority is, nothing matters

Little will judge me, cause we are similar. :)
So being judged will not be an issue.
Even if there is, I guess Ive tried.

I will definitely prefer to get drunk with classmates, at chalet, then at pubs
My clique will definitely not allow me to touch more than a small cup of martini
I will still touch liq, but I dont ever want to get drunk again.

There isnt much to say after yesterday night.
I guessed I kept repeating my words as I was awake enough to be stubborn about saying certain things.
All my other problems were inflicted on a certain problem. A problem that at that situation, doesnt matter to anyone.

Getting drunk didnt solve any of my problem.
But I was more positive to face them this morning when I woke up.
It didnt give me energy, it gave me rest, which is something I need. :)

Im feeling better and I no longer bother about certain things.

Somethings dont worth those tears and attention
And I will stop.
I was probably happy enough once upon a time, to cause myself to end up in such a mess.

Maybe when I decide to be mean and start observing and judging, I wont be in such a pain.
I will then be able to see things when they are more obvious and not wait till a certain period of time, when things become unacceptable
You just break down not knowing why, and you have to go through one whole load shit of trouble just to find those answers.
Ive been making this same mistake over and over again.
I will grow up. I promise.

I deserved any consequences.
Its a fact.
Its my life. :))

Thank you 2po2 and clique.

2011-06-10T03:19:00.000-07:00

10 June 2011.

The first time I ve lost someone dear.

I remember every year during chinese new year, my family and I will go to her house.
Every year without fail.
I remember I was always the one complaining, dont want to go and many excuses last time. (But that was because I was still young and dumb.)

I love her cooking.
She always cook for us during cny, without fail :')
She is always so active, always walking around, always trying to make us feel comfortable and many many lovely things :)
I remember loving her chili prawn, ginger soup, fishballs, vegetable sauce and curry
The meal every chinese new year were somewhat similar, but it was simple, and that is what makes everything perfect.
I remember I was always excited to go to her house because her house always got bagua, SWEETS (rabbit sweets and mentos especially), and soft drinks.

This year chinese new year, when I saw her, I got a shock. I guess I will not forget how tired she look from the side effects of those meds she took.
Those steroids really destroyed her. She was in a wheelchair, looking tired.

No matter how expressionless I was that day, I swear i almost cried. My heart ache so much when I saw her insisting on cooking for us, even if she is wheelchair bound, in pain and tired.

It was just 1 year ago when I saw her walking around actively, cooking for us, joining us for dinner, giving us angbao and so on..

ITS JUST BLOODY HELL 1 YEAR
HOW CAN IT DESTROY SOMEONE SO MUCHHH??!

she was in critical condition just yesterday and was sent to hospital
They say she might not make it
I didnt think so much as I thought everything will be fine. It was maybe because I didnt go hospital to visit her yesterday, I didnt manage to see how serious things were, and I didnt lose someone before.
I was born lucky. I didnt expect to lose someone so soon.

I will miss her
I will remember her forever.
She has been a good grandma to me, a good mother to my mom.

Thank you so much grandma.
Thank you so much for everything :)
I will never forget you.
Thank you for all those lovely meals and stories :)
I love you. <3 :)

Life is fragile.
But we usually dont really know this sentence till someone dear passes away.
Treasure ur family, friends and whoever is in your life right now.
But we usually never understand the purpose of this sentence till we lose someone.

No matter how much we treasure or love a person, when he/she went elsewhere, he/she will still be missed :)

I remember hugging her once when I was young :)
I remember shaking her hands every year during CNY.
;))
I will only remember that healthy, active side of her :)
and not that wheelchair bound, sick and tired side of her.

She had been a lovely grandma.

R.I.P grandma.

(My sis said she was peaceful when she died :'))

2011-06-09T02:27:00.000-07:00

It has been months since i last update my blog, weeks since i update my fb and days since i update my twitter.

I am really really sorry for not replying any msges for the past few days.

CTs are killer
The papers might not be as difficult as last sem exam papers (killer, murderers),
but the amount of things to study is like :O
One whole book of immunology. (Y)

Immunology was alright. I dont know how to do last question T_T
BTW, i think exam questions are likely to be similar to the last question.
twisted the question, make us confused, dont know what to write.

Pathology was :O
I made a mistake TWICE
oh wells
:((
The content is like omg neverending

pharm analysis is the most important module as it has the highest credit compared to the rest.
T_T I anyhow answer those questions. Have no idea how to do a total of 10marks questions. And I have no idea what I was writing.

MCDD was not as scarey as I expect it to be. But still, confusing
And i forgot what i studied

Haix.

I didnt manage to say proper byebye to my brother and bear, due to my cts. Bro went tekong on tuesday and bear went this morning. And soon, it will be owl, and so on and on. All leaving one by one. And maybe, we will only be able to meet up after 2 long years?

2 years is a long long time.

Its just 2 months. Why did so many things happen?

I remember last year, while I was choosing my course. My dad asked me: "why not pharmacy science?"
My reply was shocking
"what is pharmacy science?"

Second year was definitely more tough. With many reports, practicals, tutorials, quizzes especially.
But I manage to survive the first term.
I barely survived, to be honest.
Not because of the workload. Instead, its the workload that saved me.
many emotional problems, people factors, questions left unanswered and everything.

But Im glad to say, Im fine now. And will be until I dont know when

If scarring my arms with small marks here and there can get me answers that I need, or bring me to wherever and whoever I am today, then those scars are worth it. I know people will probably ask, why dont you treasure or love yourself?
I love myself, I love my life. But I believe everyone has their ways of pushing the blame, venting their sadness or anger.

Loneliness, varies according to our personality and not the things we have.
We may have everything, but still feels lonely
We may have parts missing, but filled.

I have no idea where all my feelings and emotions went.
Ever since that day, when I had one of my worst breakdown
But oh wells, I SURVIVED. :))

I went back to my past a few days ago. Thinking of the times my brother, my neighbor and me going around the block, playing block catching. There were also times when my brother asked his friends along. Yes I miss those times.

I miss the simplicity of life, those childhood days and I miss myself
Ive decided to stop asking myself why I keep changing into someone else. Why must I do such things and so on.
Situations. Environment
2 main key points
And also when there is no longer a point of going back to that discarded skin once again.

We move on with our lives when we give ourselves sufficient reasons to do so.
This is definitely not a good way to do things
Because I realised I let go of things must faster than expected
Which means that I hurt people more than they hurt me

I wont expect myself to keep to whatever Ive said in this post. Life is too unexpected. Maybe something bad happens tomorrow, making me lose hope in life once again. Maybe something awesome comes along, making me wanting to find reasons to love again.

My friend and I were talking about relationships some time ago.
He commented that My future bf/husband will be some lucky guy.
This is definitely true.
But lets twist this a little further too.
He must be lucky enough, for me to love him.

CAT2 focused too much on my weaknesses
He is probably someone that has his guards up everywhere he goes
Since he has always been preparing himself on what to do, when that poor person decides to be asshole.
:))

Im a little gw-ed by lala this few days
And this time, I meant it

To me, the most insincere/perfunctory thing to say to a person when he/she is upset, is: BE YOURSELF
Things dont work this way, dont they?
We ourselves know what is best for us, what to do to make ourselves feel better and so on... ...
But oh wells, people are just trying to help. :))
And Im thankful :)

I realised I have many many things to be angry about.
But I didnt show it.

At one point of time, we get tired of having to feel sad, angry, worst, bad and so on.
So its either we die from it, or we move on :)

This part hasnt got to do all. (maybe only 1) :)

Hello dearest friend there.

I am not just any stranger. I trusted and hoped... and i let my guard down because you are not just anyone else. But U were so cruel to ruin everything.

U were there when she "shoot" me till I have nothing to say, but when in actual fact, I have alot alot of things to say. Those naive thoughts will probably be mocked at again. So i decide to retreat.

Why did a stranger help me instead?
I told you my problems, that I need to go. You know how important some things are to me, yet u sat there and ... do nothing.

You almost abandon me. Actually, you did.
Dont deny when your actions are obvious ;)

Not happy, dno how to argue, come hit me. (Y)

Since young, you always always get me into trouble
ARE you SO DUMB to the extend that you didnt realise you are getting me into trouble EVERYTIME?
AM I so dumb to forgive you everytime?

No more.

2011-04-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

So many things changed.

And guess wad? im always afraid to look back at whatever ive posted.

okay lame

Anything dead, cannot be revived

If it can be, It is not dead.

Just saying

Something that u dont use, will end up being useless

Just saying

Its all within ur choice

Thats why im so spoilt

Just saying

It really doesnt matter if its brick wall or window or whatever crap that has been blocking out whatever ive been doing

Cause we always face problem with acceptance

I see no point

Just saying

I know wad is best for myself, and even if i ever start picking up bad habits again (i alr did), dont stop me. It all comes back to one question: How much will we sacrifice/give up, to survive?

Just saying

If u cant change the world, change urself :)

Just saying

I contradict myself too much

Just saying

and for the last time, dont expect anything.

Just saying

okay so im just being random.

Thoughts that has been lingering

This holiday is different

From cca concert to hongkongtrip, then to brother 21st birthday, then nightout

In between got alot of here and there but im just lazy to state all

Ive seen different things

and ive realised that im actually, very biased against certain things

However... It all comes back to what i really want and what i need :)

I dont need the truth, I want the truth.

And then again, I had problem accepting them

There are times where i really dont want to be like this

Yet there are times where i dont mind.

Who speaks the truth anyway?

Who is real, and true in the first place?

The one crying may end up being the bitch/bastard

right?

I think i shall end my post soon :))

Dont get bore by my random thoughts

U wont know what happens the next moment

Goodbye lala.

Ure officially forgotten

All I want from you, is you to treasure your life

When others dont treasure you, doesnt mean u shouldnt treasure yourself :)

Thank you for everything.

and Sorry.

From: xmm. :')

Another random thing is...

History repeated itself again.

But since its the same path that im taking again, im used to it.

School's starting

Nothing changed

Im neutral :)

The same rules.

Again :)

2011-04-13T08:30:00.001-07:00

My eyes are feeling dammm soree now

thanx to contacts.

ughhhh

Sometime ago, someone told me that seeing 11:11 meant that someone is thinking of you. -.-

11:10 probably meant that someone is confused. -.-

I really really didnt expect things to turn out this way

I really really never expect a twisted ending.

And then. I lost control of the whole situation.

Blanked out.

Acceptance.

Ive long lost confident in it.

Lala has been the only one, that made me realised the importance of myself, my past.

Apparently, everything went along with him.

Gone.

Because one fine day, i decide to destroy everything.

Okay..

Expectation VS reality.

When unexpected things happen.

Your expectation probably will be.... No matter wad happens, I will be myself. Lose everything but myself.

Reality? U lose urself along the way. And no one bothers to find it back.

-.-

Monday 11 April 2011

Nightout with clique

Went jiexi house in the afternn

effed up by the whole journey there

Went to her house.

Slacked.

Climbed on top of one another. ahha!

okay sick -.-

stalked fb :P

chat, laugh

collected neoprint

Changed. Prepared

Help jiexi and rt with make up :D

hahaha

Prepared.

went out :D

went prata house. I think it was my first time there.

HAHA ordered one sausage cheese prata and one plain.

me and rt then share one plain tissue

haiixxx... ly ah ly.

talked so much. end up din finish

AT LEAST ME FINISHED ALL :D

hahaah

it was dam funneh, when all of us just sat there and stone. laughing at ourselves for ordering too much and not learning from the previous lessons (not me :P)

haha dam cutee.

And ly... who actually said she could eat alot, end up eating the least

I ate more than her -.-

SEE. :D

Paid for the bill.

Made our way to timbre.

Our chemistry too good. Cause me and arr tee took bus since arr tee leg nt feeling well, while the rest walk. When we reached, I suggest to arr tee that we should go toilet first.

So we went toilet. Just as i was wondering where would the rest be, they came into the toilet

SCAREY. hahaa

Took train

Funny things always happen to us in the MRT

I have no idea why

The mrt came. There was still time.

Me and jiexi went in in time.

When i turned, i saw liying, her arms outstretched, with the rest behind her, and then the door closed

HAHA

That whole scene, is still stucked in my head.

hahaha.

Me and jiexi started adjusting ourselves, using the window at the doors as reflection. when we heard our stop, we stood at the door, continue looking at our reflection, waiting for the door to open.

I was wondering why the outside still black

I turned and after realising what happened, I tapped jiexi, and then she turned.

We both looked at one another, and we started laughing.

Wrong door -.-

Retards much?

hahha we were still laughing like mad when we went out

hahahaha

Yay the rest came. And we made our way there

Reached timbre and ordered drinks

3 of us ordered apple martini, while arr tee and harley ordered some sex on the beach (?) and sorry jx, i forgot the name of ur disgusting drink.

hahaa. My alcohol limit not so bad lah haha.

Though I kept laughing at one point of time with harley for nothing.

And started talking nonsense,

Stoned at some moments

Jaime suspected that i was drunk. but i wasnt :))

And then came lala's name

And then tears came into my eyes.

Ive bin through this million of times

and ive stopped all these emotional bullshit long ago

it was probably the effect of the alcohol

It made me want to let out somehow. -.-

hhahha

like what my mum said to my bro a few days ago...haha

She said one day, they should drunk me, so I will tell them whats going on. :)

haha. im a bad girl.

we stoned, played truth or dare.

Walked around after there.

Ended up somewhere near esplanade.

Actually i have no idea where we ended up but... wadeva

Took photos

Continue walking.

Decided to go home.

Went back jiexi's house

Me, ly, jam took one cab

Rt, harley, jx took one cab

CNN guy come scare the shit out of us.

Me ly jam reached. So we decide to wait for them outside, at the busstop.

I was talking to jam, and ly was talking on the phone

Halfway through, one fucker shouted "HEY BABEH" in this raw, gross, irritating voice

I stunned.

I thought the noise came from jam. Then I thought it came from bushes behind -.-

End up they told me that scarey and annoying voice came from the guy on the bike.

wtf.

I din even see the motorcycle.

Really, the voice was dammm scarey.

2AM+ and then u heard dis kinda voice, confirmed chua tio

So we decide to just go in, holding on to one another.

Jam and ly were pissed

I was still stunned -.-

hahaa

It took me a while to wake up.

Bathed

Arr tee slept first haha.

while the rest of us sang our school songs.

I MISS PL.

I miss those christian songs. :')

Halfway, i went to sleep.

While the rest continue singing till 5am++

Woke up ahha sorry for being annoyed :P

haha cause i was really really tired

Woke up at 9am+ in the morning.

Slept for a while then woke up at 10am+

Bathed then prepared

Kia jiexi :))

A special note for you :)

U always make we want to pinch your cheeks haha :)) I know its random, but that day, when i saw you crying, i know i havent lost my woodsey :)) Tell u the truth, the only thing i like about him, is when he tell me to snatch the bastard from that bitch :D He is someone who can protect you physically, and im not worried about that. U have to be yourself when u r with him, if not, this whole relationship will lose its purpose and also, unnecessary questions that can be avoided, will surfaced.

And problems will surfaced along with it.

Harley dear :))

There are many times where I could feel you :) Esp me with lala and u with *u know who*

Because we always end up in that same place, hoping something will happen, and then be disappointed all over again.

Harley dear, Love urself for who u are :))

There is no point changing urself into someone that he/she will like

cause these changes nvr last long

U will end up as urself again, and again, u allowed those unnecessary questions to bother u.

Easier said than done. Expectations VS reality.

Its always like that.

There is nothing much to say

Yesterday :)

wednesday 13th April 2011

met francesca :D

Its bin long since ive met her :))

i missed her sooooooo muchh

N then again, i missed PL

All of us, the full clique, in the same school, from the same class, Q-ing up at the linkway

We werent from the same clique

We were strangers once.

And today, Fate brought us together.

As a clique.

:))

2011-04-07T08:16:00.001-07:00

Saturday 9th april 2011

It is the day... where ive learnt alot.

I learnt life.

After so long, Ive realised that, instead of walking towards my *ladder*... Ive walked away from it.

It was because of lala

And it felt good, to be myself for that few days.

I finally let people know, what was some of my thoughts, some of my problems

Ive always asked myself... what for? Since at the end of the day, I will be alone no matter what

But some people, i realised, actually gave me the reason to wake up, the next morning.

However, as time passes by, I realised those memories are fading... so quickly.

Ive officially given up on him

Yes, I will still mention him, as it is realli not possible to entirely forget sumone.

Because if i still hang on to him, i will be the most foolish girl in the world.

And then i realised, having faith on crap, happens to be the dumbest thing on earth

I was having nightmares for many many days

1 seemed so real, that i got so freaked out.

Thank you owl :)

Thank you arr tee for coming to my house. Haha, she was supposed to be studying, while i was supposed to be reading, end up? both sleeping.

Fears...

Maybe only when fears became really annoying and waste of time, then u will stop fearing.

Its all in the mind.

And i hate this feeling. when some things work out, some things dont

Seriously, i rather things remain the same. -.-

Just like anyone who havent receive hug or hug for long, the first hug, after that few years, will be the most awkward one -.-

true?

Yes

It is just an analogy, which sort of reflect my whole holiday.

Now, i guess its time to face reality.

A tough one.

A longer path

anyways yesterday was saturday 9th april 2011

It was realli a day to remember

because, it happens to be my unluckiest day of my life

But I survived it.

It was definitely the longest day of my life.

In the morning, went kovan with mum

in the afternoon, went nex with friends

and there's something in my bag which keep causing alarm to go off

So we went in popular, the alarm went off

awkward...

when we came out, alarm went off again.

AND WHOLE BUNCH OF HUMANS KEPT LOOKING

-.-

they were probably eager to see who is the theft and how the police are gna come catch her

So yes, i din run away

but i admit i was dam afraid

so me and friend went in and ask wad was that thing that caused beeping

it was my foundation

and the scarey thing was, i had my foundation for months, and nothing happened.

(Y)

So went friend's house.

I pissed my friend off

I went off without taking kelly' present

I took car to kovan

opened door at wrong stop

caused the inside of the car to get wet

I was drenched

took mrt

that baby did cheered me up

:)) she kept pointing to kelly's present

hahaha

took mrt to dover.

almost went in male toilet. Annoying boy kept staring

went down took bus

waited dam long.

took wrong bus

went down. took bus back

missed my bus

so i reached gala at arnd 8+ :))

and it was a lil awkward when i saw the heads ALL turned to me

hahaha

sat

hahaha

yes, i enjoyed myself during gala dinner :)

at first, I was toooooooo tired from everything plus i wasnt realli feeling well.

but after that, i felt better :D

took 74 home with kelly, angelo, guangjie and xinzhe

hahaha

not forgetting, moth

waited for 136 or 119

end up... dont have -.-

waited for 35 minutes cause my bro told me there is still 119 at 12.10 or 12.20am

This group of guys walked past.

All kept staring. One even waved -.-

I took cab home in the end

And guess wad?

i din sleep the whole night

because, i realised... I onli ate 2 packet of oreo biscuits (6 oreos), and 1 curry puff

FOR THE WHOLE DAY

my muscles were aching so badly, i couldnt sleep.

So i din sleep the whole night

i slept a while from 8am to 11.30am

And im feeling dammmm tiredd now :((

Okay, next week will be my last week of holiday

And it would be a busy week

since i need to go back to school on wednesday and friday

Nightout will be on monday till tuesday

tuesday will be with cca mates

left thursday :)

and maybe outing with franny on wednesday :)

OKAY. THATS BAD. BYEEEEE

I will end everything today. :))

:))

2011-04-06T07:27:00.000-07:00

The purpose is no longer there.

There came a point of time, where we would stop asking whether we care or not, whether we mind or not.

Im fine with the distance now

Please dont come any closer

It is just right.

Beautiful and perfect In my memory.

I have problem sleeping these few days Im fine with the reason.

But i dont understand why i have to wake up in the middle of the night

Then there will be this sense of awkwardness in the air. like... ohh im awake? why so sudden?

Thursday 31st March 2011

LAST day of work

stoned like siao.

Me and rachel werent so mad like the previous time

But we still took photos :) ly was spamming.

haha lmao-ed at her msges

after work, went to get air brush tattooo

yes, it will onli last for 5 days to 1 week

Mine was lightning shape, on my ankle

Onli $10, in fareast

arr tee got flower :))

We had mars ball

OMG. damm sweet but i was happy :))

Friday 1st March 2011

Went back to office

ohh yes, april fool day :))

i tricked 3 people :o

I had no idea until one of my friend tricked me hahaha. some confessions thingy :P

I tricked jaime first

I told her i had a crush on her in sec 2, when she had her short hair

Second was rachel

I was sharing with her some of my problems, asking for advice, and then I was thinking, why not? okay abit mean. I told her i had a penknife next to me, I wan to die. I had enuff of everything.

Im realli sorry baby :(( I know u guys are concerned for me. :) Thank you

Third was liying sorry, mtv's playing

went out with ly,jam and arr tee afterwards

Sunday 3rd April 2011

Bro's 21st birthday

PRESENTING.... THE POWERPUFF GIRLS :)) YAY whole clique came except for rende :(

ly,jam,harley,rt,jx.

".... beautiful girls..." okay. no scold

went there early to blow balloon

DAM balloon burst while i was blowing

I expected some sharp pain, but nothing -.- Dam gross, my mouth was itchy.

people started coming in

YAY clique came LOL too funnehh

My clique tooo cuteee

they were saying they have the least priority there, but we took the food first :D

LOL hahaahhahahahahhaaaa omg i love the potato and the agliooo

AHHHH i wan somemoreeee

Guess wad, I was still hungry and wanted some more food when my clique were all full. fat much?

so my brother was drunk cause they mixed and mixed

Me myself thought that whole bottle was some blueberry tea end up? NAHHH it was a mixture of alcohol

I didnt see the process of him getting drunk

Me and clique walked around, took photo with ah ma, and went upstairs, walked around, take pictures, then went down again.

When i wanted to take pic with brother, he started shouting. I chua tio.

So took photo. omg the alcohol smell on him, was .... OMG.

So my brother was going around asking people to take picture with him

My ah ma the cutest :D hahaha she was laughing so happily hahaha!

My cousin got a shocked, and she cried cause my brother kept shouting her name, to take photo with him. LOL

So there were chaos here and there

Some were serious, Some were joining in the fun

At some point of time, Some were trying to calm him down, to get him to drink the tea

the funniest part, was him pulling people to take picture with him

hahaha cut cake. He "requested" birthday songs in different language

From english, to chinese Then cantonese. haha Then he wanted malay. But no one knows So he turned to harley, and asked her to sing

OMG sorry i lmao-ed

jaime ran away hahaha

all eyes turned and looked at us

N sorry jam and ly too ass, i can nvr forget their imitations

too observant haha

and harley aso.

HAHA too cutee

Rum cake i think :))

Nice but noo, i dont like rum smell.

Everything ended around 1030 - 1045pm :)

They pulled my bro into aloy's car

Then sent him home while my parents and sis went with auntie

I went with nicea and parents.

Along with the big big present his clique gave him

LOL Its even bigger than me -.-

Jeremy took cab to my house

Waited for them

Tried to calm my brother.

Was shouting downstairs SO NOW, i know where those noises come from, in the middle of the night :P

Forced my brother into the lift

LOL ross(?) DAM strong, pushed him to one corner. My brother cant even move -.-

Made him lie on his bed

While his friend + clique surround him

hahaha he dont want them to go home

At the same time, he exposed some of them

Their expressions were (Y) :))

That *uh oh* + *dno whether to be angry of not* expression.

hahaa then finally he let them go home

He onli calmed down like around 1am+ ?

hahah n the funneh thing was, he scolded me about my tattooo

dam zai. still can rmb (Y)

Even when he is drunk, the only thing that is so him, is his nagging -.- :) LOL

So my parents tried dam dam hard to wake him up.

Let him drink lotsa water ask him go bathe

then arnd 1+ he finally woke up a little calmer and he is my brother again! haha I din do much, i admit :( I dont know what to do either.

Some parts were tear-jerking And i had my most "random" break down

the funny thing was that, my clique thought i was joking :p

HHAHAHA the whole process was...

Me: omg... im gna cry soon

Harley: yaaa, i love u all so much... ...

*tears forming in my eyes. Harley saw*

Harley continues saying how much she love the clique and all

suddenly, one tear went down

Harley: :O

LMAO yaaa, sorry. :))

Monday 5th April 2011

Went kbox with dawn in the morning

Jam, harley, ly came my house watch horror

LOL watched 2 one horror, one thriller

ima brave girl. :))

Tuesday 6th April 2011

went out with jam and harley to starbucks

chatted and why the thing keep beeping :(((

:)) haha SHINY COINS FTW :D hahaha okay no kill hahah stucked in the ntuc, in the middle of nowwhere, searching for non-shiny coins so i can buy my maggie mee and ribena sweet

bro's clique came in the middle of the night to surprise brother

LOL Im a nice girl, cause I helped them to ask parents.

but dam funneh the process haha. see them holding blankets and asking me to get out of the room.

smashed cake in the lift or wadeva. and the thing they made for him... DAM NICE. hehee okay. thats all that happened :)

2011-03-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

The first thing that came to my mind this morning was: YAY I can skip lunch today

At 9.50am, my sister called

She forgot to bring money -.- and she is stuck in the clinic

(She was not feeling well so she went to the doc)

At that moment, i rmbed, i was happily nua-ing on my bed.

And i was trying to rmb the scene I had with lala, in my dreams :)

And when i received that call, I realli wished, i was sleeping at that time

So yea, brush teeth, changed and went out

10 minutes walk

came back home at 10.20am

received msg that jam,rt,ly no work so yay went out

Wanted to watch red riding hood

AHHHHHH i refused to watch it alone. :((((

cause i knew i wont finish.

just like how the "season of the witches" was stucked in my funshion, and i refused to touch it again.

went out with jx,jam,harley to novena united square and yes,

my plan was foiled, because we had macdonalds while waiting for jx, who was late for 1hr :))

Kept laughing at nonsense :P

me and jaime can be paedophile partners :)) seriously, we just cannot resist those temptations

So this was wad happen today when we saw that angmoh cute toddler

Jam: I wan to bite the cheeks

Jiexi: ME too

harley: *shocked*... ...

Me: OMG i wan to sniff the neck

harley: *gasp* I only wanted to kiss the cheek :))

cute responses :))

haha so we went around looking for my brother's 21st birthday gift

we went in this shop and i saw this realli realli cute toy

Me: OMG OMG OMG its so cuteeeeeee <3

harley: its an owl

Me: R u sure??

harley: yea, its a yellow owl

Me: serious?

harley: yea, an yellow owl

Me: OMG sooo cuteee

harley: -.- no, its a chick, obviously

HAHAHAHAHA okay maybe its not so funny, but at that moment, it was hilarious.

haha walked, bought food (again... *shakes head*)

i need to stop buying food

Took train to circle line and back home :))

So thats my day for now.

I realised i haven talk anything about my results

I did typed that post, but blogger has problem, so i deleted that post. Its a good thing anyways :)

Fate dont allow me to post that post. My results, are okay I should be contented since I knew that i didnt give all my best

And they moderate like alot I think

But my grades are disappointing.

I feel like slapping myself each time i open that paper, and i see a C grade

thx alot I so love my groupmates

No point bitching, since there are so many kinds of people in this world

No end to it

Once bitten, twice shy true, but when that wound heals, u go back to where u started

Memories... ....

Work tomorrow :(( Wish meeeeeeee luckkkk

ABT tomorrow :)) Im gna get scolded but i dn give a dam anymore :D

2011-03-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

:)) dont you guys realised that, things always start off with a smiley face?

have u ever asked why?? where are all the happy endings?

Cinderella probably had a fought with prince charming after marriage and they divorce.

Maybe, that happened. Just that it wasnt mentioned.

Ive asked myself before, since happy endings dont exist, why are we fed with such stories since young?

I was probably lucky. in a way that when i was young, i was so dumb and ignorant, to be bothered by such stuff, so they didnt leave much impact in me, and i wasnt so much of being disappointed... ...

Not believing in happy endings have disadvantages too. This world lost one person who will wish for happiness when he/she sees 11.11.

so its not a good thing afterall

this world, is losing people who will choose happiness over money

losing people who have no motives at all... ...

losing people who will realli love sumone for who they are, and not for sumthing he/she possessed... ...

btw, Im fine. Im nt emoing, im just stating facts.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world

The first kind of people, are the kind who will make use of others.

To achieve something, to make themselve happier

and then the worst reason for doing so: because others did it to them.

The second kind of people, obviously, are the kind who got make used of. When there is a devil, there is bound to be an angel.

And these second group of people, will slowly transformed into that first group of people and this cycle continues, cruely killing innocent hearts one by one.

It wont end.

Everyone have been both kinds of people in this world.

They just chosed to remain silent, to pretend nothing happen, and get on with their lives

They have no time, to reflect, to looked back.

Chances, opportunities infront, never wait.

U dont even have the time to decide, to say yes

Just grab and go, just grab and go

this world is too balanced.

e.g. when something was given, something was taken away.

No matter how hard u try to hold them, they will just continue to slip away

its just like having sands in our hands.

it will just continue slipping through our fingers

bad analogy. but for sumone who've just finished her dinner, the only thing that matters, is that it should be logical.

We always have choices

To care or not to care

seeing through their motives, in a nicer tone, their exact points

I wasnt realli upset.

Just a little

Cause i know, ive just lost a friend.

u know, ive a choice when it comes to lala

But I have my own reasons.

2011-03-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

haix.

im blogging again
cause im so so so so so so so bored

I just realised im the only heartless bitch that didnt go for any overseas trip among my entire classmates:O
not at all

everyone, at least went for batam or the yep trip to thailand
-.- to do good deeds or to serve the people there

i didnt go for any.
-.-

I have my reasons, for not going any of these trips.

*surprised*

to me, they are reasons, to others, probably excuses.

ohh yay, im betrayed once again

*shocked*

why am i so dumb. too naive. too innocent

why did i even chose to break any of my rules?

too dumb

anyways,
i had nightmare last night
i dreamt about vampires
not only that, i dreamt of wolves
and i dreamt of woodsey.
she was running away from those wolves, in bikinis
-.-
no kill no kill

and uh oh, i dreamt that i got eaten by a wolf, and sumhow i turned into vampire
apparently, i dno how i did it, but i managed to change the whole story of my dream
i changed the fact that i was in the story, to someone watching the story -.-

i always do that.
it seems that im awake while im dreaming or smth like that.

before i press that restart button, im gna allow myself to have fun blogging this last post.

went out with nicea today.

nemo kept barking at me for no reason
why why why

went fareast
she did her extensions
and i had my sausage with mash potato :P
wanted to watch red riding hood, BUT the next show starts at 11pm
-.-
so went all the way to nex
to pizza hut for dinner

something happened. u can termed it as interesting, but i find it realli -.-

i ordered prawn aglio aglio :D

and when my order came, this guy, SERVICE TOOOOO GOOOOD
he placed my plate nicely on the table. Then placed the tissue next to my plate, dam nicely, followed by my spoon
He asked if i wanted the tomato sauce
(no i hate tomato but i just nod my head)
and he kept smiling
and he looks like my friend -.-

so while i was eating halfway
this female waitress came to me, and asked me for my number
i was like huh? who wans it and for what?

(i shall cut short the story, since i repeated my question like a few times, cause i dont understand what the hell was going on)
then she told me, the manager wants it

Me: why does your manager wans my number?

Waitress: because you looked like one of our ex-staff, so the manager wants your number

Me: ex-staff?

Waitress: yea, her photo is at the back

Me: ohh can i see? (preparing to stand up)

Waitress: ohh sorry its only for the staff

Me: but why do you need my number? are u guys gna contact me or wadeva? (DUMBEST QUESTION IVE EVER ASKED!! DUHHH ASK FOR MY NUMBER DUH IS TO CONTACT ME LUH. THEN WHAT? BAI SUI AH?!!!) FML

Waitress: its okay if you dont want... ...

So the story ended with me returning her the pen
no, i didnt give her my number in the end :)

Nicea and I were laughing about this whole thing
the strange/weird thing is that...
just because i looked like their ex staff so they want my number??!
HELLO
getting my number wont allow you to call or contact ur that ex staff
I may look like ur ex staff, BT IM NOT.
-.-

i was trying hard to asked WHU actually wanted my number
but she just kept saying manager

and yea im not so dumb to not know what was actually going on.

haix,
funny excuses
:P

okay end of my post. im tired and bored. someone, save me.

2011-03-22T02:55:00.000-07:00

A person suffering from split personality does not have any true self.
His/her true self was lost the moment a new personality is created

I was watching this Hongkong comedy a few days ago and i came across this small part on people suffering from split personality. The male lead fell in love with this girl suffering from split personality. He went to the psychatrist one day and he asked, "which personality of hers is real?" The psychatrist told him, "none."

I have no idea if this is true or what, since it came from a comedy, but it sound interesting, so i decide to post it.

Ive unknowingly walked back into my past again.
U know what, its not the past that hurts. Its the present that hurts.

Somehow this post is not really important.
It wont be interesting, since its about me.

This will be the only post, where i will be truthful.
But it doesnt matter anymore, since its all in the past.
Things have changed
I just feel like posting, for memory sake.
I want to remember how i was like, how things changed and so on.

And most importantly, before these new memories take over my life, and before i let go of my past.

it doesnt hurt anymore, since im so used to their presence in my memory
just that, its a different feeling, when u have to type them out.
and a different feeling, when u realised all these are to be seen by strangers

given who i was in the past, everything will onli be known by me alone.

I admit i was competitive
Very competitive.
duh its a kind of silent competition between 2 of us

People probably gossip behind my back, saying im that kind of person who keep saying she will fail, but end up scoring awesome results
fuck u all

when i say i didnt study, i realli didnt study
if i DID study, i will just diam.

and when i say i think i will fail, its NOT a lie.
i realli felt insecure.
so dam u guys who thought u are always right.

But wad i love about myself at that moment, is that i dont give a single shit about what u guys think .
I dont even care about what i want, what i think,DO you even think i will care about what u guys think?

lala came into my life. i didnt bring him into my life/revive him

i admit, results meant nothing to me
but at the same time, it was because i was more concerned about my position in class
-.-
any result aso can, as long as my position and expectations are met.

how i achieved my results also doesnt matter, since everyone is onli concerned about the outcome
but i didnt break any of my promises/rules.

i was so clear of wad i wanted, not like now
i was filled, not empty like now (i realised why. Now. Those usual reasons again.)

ive exchanged alot alot of stuff for those outcomes.
those who termed it as unfair, come live my life for a while

ohh yess.
u probably wont find any girl like me in this world.

I was so discipline, that i onli allowed myself to bring $1 to school everyday :D
LOL
i have my reasons behind that
one of them is to resist temptations
there is like this one box, always filled with money, and my parents gave me and my siblings freedom to take any amount we want.
Since we've already grown up :)
$1... HOW TO SURVIVE?

I survived :)
and please take note.
I DIDNT STEAL/ROB/SNATCHED.
I have many other reasons though, but i dont feel like posting all in one time :P
to people who say me being spoilt, NAISE TRY.

Neverforever.
This has been my MSN nick for years
yes, GW right?
it meant alot alot of things u know
and i have to admit sumthing.
there was a point in my life, where the word totally lost meaning. not because i found forever -.-, but because it has been going through my mind umpteen of times that i got numbed to it.

i revived it sumhow. for now :)

2011-03-19T04:37:00.000-07:00

have u ever lost sumone u loved?

dis trip taught me so many many stuff and made me realised sumthings...

tear-jerking experiences
touching moments
funny scenes
one word = memorable

so i stayed at home the whole day today, cause i realised i need to finish blogging about dis trip to hongkong... ... (also other stuff lah)

lets start from the beginning alright?

monday 14thapril2011

the bus came to pick me and my family up at 4pm+
hello airport :D
my ahma, dad, mum, sis, bro, aunt, tricia, nicea
9 of us :D

so we checked in and ya, those normal procedures before entering the plane

we had dinner before that
me and nicea went burger king while the rest went foodcourt sumwhere
afterwards we met and gather
we sat sumwhere to wait to enter the plane

u know

i have nvr sat airplane for 17 years of my life
the "i never" game came into my mind. -.-
i can never say "i never sit in the airplane before" ever again :(
cannot sabo everyone alr
okay lame

so we entered

such a pity we dont get the window seat :((

me, nicea and sis sat together

my first plane ride experience = nothing much.

it wasnt that enjoyable.

just smth new

u felt ur heart sank when the plane went up

thats all ahaa

i guess i didnt have much impression of it cause i didnt get the window seat. tsk tsk

and and i rmb it was a painful process when the airplane begin to land

earblocks sucks ttm

it was mad painful. it felt as if my eardrums were about to burst

worst earblocks ever

affected my brain which started to cause headache

and it became worst after i sneeze

so after we land, we went to take sum bus from airport to this hotel called The City View

40 minute bus ride

and so i was trying to make out the difference of the roads and buildings between Singapore and Hong Kong

it wasnt of much difference, but wasnt the same either

but maybe cause it was at night, the onli things that were significant were the empty road and lights around

the buses in Hongkong and Singapore are quite similar. but onli for those double decker buses

those single deck buses are like school buses in Singapore

it was chilly there in Hongkong and i realli realli love the weather :D <3

reached hotel at 1am+

shared room with nicea :D

room 1613 :)) level 16, room 13 :D

slept at 2+ am

left the tv on for THE WHOLE NIGHT (Y) haha

woke up at 5 or 6+ am early in the morning

changed and prepared

were brought to dis restaurant for breakfast

omg i love the congee there (Y)

took bus up the hills

i slept tsk tsk.

40 minutes

visit sum temple there :D

there are sharks in the river or sea. like wow. i thought the tour guide was kidding

saw the houses of famous rich people, up on the mountain

dam huge.

facing the sea

took pics and explore

went to this jewellery shop. wasnt very interested in those stuff.

so expensive. can onli look but not buy. wth. might as well dn look -.-

went to this TCM shop. traditional complementary medicine incase u have no idea wad it meant

physician there took my pulse

she said im low blood and my menstrual cycle not regular.

she also said my face color not good or smth like that.

and blah blah blah.

i thought she would say that im not gna live long or smth since my health has been deproving

stupid lousy body.

so fragile and weak. stupid head. always numb. stupid gastric, always pain.

went for lunch afterwards. not as good as breakfast

yay UP THE HILL TIME :D

dam effing cold. they said it was less than 10 degrees

like wth. i wore onli one tank top, one long bottom and one black jacket PLUS SANDALS

im so dam awesome right? i wore sandals during my 4 days 3 nights stay in hongkong. fucking cold and im wearing sandals? (Y) i came back to Singapore with dry toes. gross.

so i bought another jacket for like 50+ SG dollars. red one.

ive always wanted a red jacket so its okay lah :D

yay cable car. haha

dam high and cold. mad freezing

and it was raining. which made things worst

but overall fun and enjoyable ride

reached. bt were deciding whether or not to walk further to climb to see the huge Buddha statue

cause it was dam foggy. u carn even see the road infront. and yes, as i said, it was raining and cold

so nicea, ahma tricia stayed behind while me, my family and aunt decide to take the risk haha

adventurous bunch of people.

it was like dam cool cause u carn realli see the road infront of u

but its dangerous lah

so we reached where the huge buddha is located. bt still carn see cause the fog are like omg, overwhelming. so we decided to climb up

aunt went back halfway.

so, my family and I went up :D

daddy was panting very badly

there were arnd 200+ steps if im not wrong and it was cold

i was so worried. but luckily he was fine after a while

sumthing amazing happened

as we were on our way up the steps, my dad, mum, sis were all so tired and they wanted to give up. but the fog suddenly cleared, and the Buddha statue was suddenly so clear. they were all motivated and so we all climbed to the END :D

when we all reached the top, the statue can be seen again :D yay

so we prayed and took photo

Thank You :')

yes u know simple things like that are quite touching.

maybe u may think im just being emotional or stuff

but it was as if we were given strength to continue moving on :)

haha anyways while we were walking there, my mum's umbrella over turned ahahaha

too funny.

she was trying to help me and sis took photo

and her umbrella overturned :D

cuteee

yup walked back to meet the rest :)

took cable car back

this time less fog and our view were clearer

less cold too :)

took bus and came to dis place called xing guang da dao or smth

met my granduncle, my grandma's brother :)

and his daughter in law :)

din speak much to the daughter in law.

awesome view of the cities in Hongkong. took photo.

as it was freezing cold, we din stay there for long.

so we went for dinner

it was a very very sad dinner

u know, as sumone studying in a science course, followed by the fact that the path im currently at now, will lead me to the medical industry in future, when i meet this kinda situations yet the onli thing i could do is to watch without knowing anything, feeling helpless and hoping everything will be okay in the end. That kind of feeling realli sucks.

halfway through the dinner

my granduncle's wife, had a relapse

it was so sudden

n all i could remembered was all of us standing up

all i could see was my granduncle helping her into a lying position and he tried to support her at the same time

i probably didnt mention dis, bt my granduncle is a doctor

i stood there, on the verge of tearing

i was so disappointed in myself

it was realli a sad scene

i tried standing in my uncle shoes for that moment

watching my love ones having relapse infront of me

and as a doctor, all i could do is to try my best to minimize the pain he/she is suffering.

i will be devastated

just standing there helplessly, alr made me so upset, if i were him, i would have broke into pieces

he is a strong man (Y)

and i admire him for that :')

ambulance came

she realli looks fine when she was helped to a sitting position

realli. n i thought she was okay.

but it wasnt

she couldnt even stand properly

they had to helped her into the wheelchair.

it was realli a sad scene

her son accompany her to the hospital while my granduncle and his daughter in law sat down

n he told us, she was actually suffering from last stage of lung cancer

5 months ago, the doctor told her she onli had 6 months more to live

which meant she is only left with one month.

:'((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

even though im not closed to her.

but i will nvr forget her

i will always remember that day where she and my granduncle came into my house a few years back. and we took a family photo. i will also remember that day, where i shook her hand for the last time, and had a short dinner with her for the last time, in Hongkong :')

went walk around

i bought 3 clothes from the shops there

dam cheappppp

went back to hotel

bathed and slept. haha left the tv on for 1 whole night again :D

woke up at 6am in the morning

disney land :D

so dam effing cold

mad cold. bt i realli love it :D

disney land was onli okay

quite boring.

bt i was my first time going to disney land (thanx, i know i have no childhood. :))

the most enjoyable ride was the space mountain

3 times :D (Y)

awesome ride.

but. pls do not take it consecutively for more than 2 times

u will puke.

i was having giddy spells followed by headache.

i realli like that 3D shows haha my ah ma dam cuteee

n i like that tour around the jungle or smth

the tour guide was funnehh hahaha

he asked us if the ride was fun. then he said it was so fun to him that he had to play at least 56 times before he wans to go home -.-

haha n he said those fake crocodiles were trained to be like that everyday

yess he is funneh :D

i like the shops in disneyland

hahaha

unique.

sleeping beauty was realli beautiful. she looks like barbie doll (Y)

and yes thats all for disney land -.-

went nu ren jie at night. mad boring

wth. seriously. might as well go to some normal shops. they sell cheaper stuff (Y)

i bought boots! and a dress! :D

went back hotel

usual stuff

next day had breakfast.

ahma, aunt and tricia went back to hotel while me and family went to walk arnd

bro mad. bought 5 bo luo buns or smth like that (Y)

bt ITS DAM EFFING NICEE

went airport and blah blah blah

BACK IN SINGAPORE :D

alright end of post on hongkong trip :))

u can ignore dis portion.

bad experience on the plane

dis old couple kept complaining and gossiping

esp the female.

so wad happened?

this two lao couples were occupying the wrong seats -l-

LOL. me and my sis's seats sumore

smart right? so i was stucked there. they kept asking me to wait.

i was like huh? wait wad shit? u are occupying my seat and im supposed to wait? wait for wad?

they made everything so messed up till the air stewardess came

ohh yay she asked both of them to move away

n the guy was staring at me. yes thanx, i know im pretty :)

so in the end, i guess it was fate

there were 4 seats in a row

so me and my sister took up two. one empty seat beside me and one guy sat next to my sister

the air stewardess came, and asked the guy next to my sister to move to another seat.

FOR THE BOTH OF THEM

she aso asked me and my sister to move one seat so that they both can sit together.

we r nice people so we moved

nightmare. that woman kept complaining and bitching.

yada yada. complain complain and bitch and bitch

i said smth realli mean.

n im feeling guilty. seriously. sumtimes i hate this side of me. ughh!

tsk tsk

oh yess forgot to mention

i was so so so so so so disappointed. i thought the wanton noodle in hk will be nice

but.. ...

alright fine

bye

2011-03-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

i dont have the mood to blog today. oh wells.

but i shall force myself to blog.

i just feel like ranting and ranting nonstop

but my fingers are just too lazy to press those square buttons

i feel fat

alrite, im fat

i admit im fat

my house weighing scale got problem

my face is too round

too fat

too big

i need a sharper face

disgusting face shape and baby fats

oh wait.

ive tried eating onli 1 meal for 1 week but my face still stays the same.

maybe my face is just swollen from too much water intake in the middle of the night

but how m i gna squeeze those water out? :((

im annoyed

i know im gna get scolded

im not fat, they say

but im not skinny either

wtf

pls let me be skinny

i wan arms and legs like jx.

with collar bones that can collect water (Y)

i haf 8k msges in my inbox but im lazy to delete them

bt im too careful to let anyone know my pw

im screwed for life

and im numb towards dis kinda mixed feelings

im left with one more month to get prepared and do the stuff i need to do

before year 2 comes and history repeats itself

ohh noo, im having allergy now

why why why

my my my

i probably still haven get used to switching of weathers

ohh right, i need to update about my hongkong trip.

bt probably next post.

when im not so emotional. when that feeling fade and the logic side of me takes over.

life is so unfair

ive tried many many times to read u

bt ur expression always stays the same

always that calm and composed expression

it wasnt exactly expressionless

sumhow, i feel that we are similar

not the way we think, nt the way we respond to things.

bt for the fact that we live in our own world, we have our own ideas of stuff and we always hide and pack everything so nicely.

in terms of family background, looks and responds etc... ... u are completely opposite from me.
it doesnt matter sumhow, since we still end up at the same place.

though we are similar by the fact that we hide and we believe in ourselves, the way we respond to stuff is completely different.

u hide by being quiet, with that annoying same expression on ur face

i hide by twisting everything.

u know, maybe ure just sumone i make up. not real.
maybe i was so eager in hoping that sumone will be like me, sumone with similar theories and logics, that i made u into sumone that i wan u to be.
it gets so lonely sumtimes.

okay, its ok, im used to everything that has happened in this 17 years of my life.
im ready to move on :)
i hope.

alright, lets skip all these boring parts about my life currently.
2 memorable events just passed and im waiting for another 2 unpleasant event.
i deserved that 2 unpleasant event. and im onli left with sum days to get prepared, so that i wont start crying again.

which 2 memorable events? my cca concert and hongkong trip. i will be posting about hongkong trip in another post. :)

cca concert.
1 week of rehearsal
tiring bt fun week :)

it was a new kind of experience for me.
i mopped the floor (Y), i slept in the LT like so unglamly -.-, i had contact with this beautiful ah gua, i stayed in the loft (okay, i felt noob saying this... ...), etc... ... :))

bt overall is (Y)
concert was (Y) :))
though there were sum problems here and there, but overall is awesome :))
it was a fun experience and hopefully next year, nothing changes

thank you welfare team
thank you welfare leader
tiger probably caused alot of trouble and problems here and there, but thank you owl for understanding hahaha

though there were alot of emotional stuff pulling me down all at many times, i still managed to survive the day.
thank you guys for all the fun, encouragement and care
thank you kelly dear :)) i know u wont be reading this, but ur laughter realli cheer me up hahaha. realli. sucha cuteeeeee laughter :D

u know, sumtimes when u managed to see through sumone's lies, sumone's motive, it gets soo... ... its more of annoying than upsetting.
annoying in the way that it just kept bugging u, the image just kept appearing in ur mind.
u know the truth, bt wad u see is the lie, yet all u could do is to shut up and pretend nothing happen

i know im suffering because i deserve it
because i care, and most importantly, because i didnt expect it to happen
how i wish i could go back to the past, whereby things happen, and i just let it happen, without feeling for anything.

owl, tiger wanted to watch that video because tiger hates living between assumptions.
tiger wans evidence, maybe it could change the situation a little, maybe things wasnt so bad, maybe i was just too negative.

i also know that maybe the video could do more harm to me than good, but when ure in similar state as me, sum things doesnt matter :)

:)) thank you scc, song composing club.
see you next semester :D

oh yaa
thank you kah hao, nazrul, hazman and PY for the song hen zi ji (or hen gi gi :D)
u guys were awesome :D
thank you yunxiang, shinru, nazrul, hazman and kelly for the song wo. hai zai
THANK YOU NAZRUL AND HAZMAN :D

wo. haizai nvr take photo!!!!!!!!

tsk tsk
im gna miss these bunch of year 3s :'))
thank you for making my life in scc fulfilling and fun
thank you all for taking care of me like a small sister :))
i love you all :D
hope to see you people very very soon
i will miss u all very very much :D

that was my life for 1 week :)) 7th march to 12th march :D including 13th march in loft ahhaha
awesome cca with awesome people :D

hahaha n oh ya, cause me and the rest were watching the show drag me to hell on laptop.
i din know watching a horror show could be so hilarious hahah
more of a comedy :D (Y)
ima brave gal -.-

anyways, before i end, i needs to make a point.
pls dn judge me on how i look and stuff
i know i may look like sumone who goes clubbing, spam vodka, get high, get dead drunk and stuff, or every friday night sure see me at clarke quay those kinda girls, or those typical sluts/flirtatious bitches, but im not

one more time sumone gna judge me like that, i will make sure u suffer like the way i did.
thx.

its painful.
get the full story.
before u comment suckers.

2011-03-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

im blogging again.

im bored

how now

anyways

yay met with clique to go shopping on friday :D

happy happy

laugh my ass off

went fareast :))

had mars ball (Y)

bought geek specs. YAY

harley went to pierce her nose :((((

I ASO WAN

me n rt wanted to get airbrush tattoo.
RT IM ON. :)) WHEN I COME BACK FROM HK KAESSSSSS :))

OMG YAY

anyways
anyways
anyways

next week = cca week
omg 9am every morning :((
its so not me to complain
if it was in the past, i would just say: BRING IT ON BABY

im hardcore zecaye

anyways

yay

im getting used
to everything... some things... ...

no more high expectations or whatsoever

:))

if not history will repeat itself again

n for that, im one step closer to climbing my ladder again :))

happy happy for now

though i know
that i have much more things to lose before im all ready again
what to lose, i will decide :)

painful, torturous process

to my family, im probably someone strong, independent, cold, someone who prefers to keep to herself, quiet.
to my clique, im probably someone cheerful, emotional, hardcore, lively, crazy, someone who prefer to keep to herself.
to my poly friends, im probably someone outgoing, complicated, sumone who goes clubbing, someone who plays around, not serious, loves to whine.

happy guessing which is the real me.. :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes, the things u do makes me hate u

sometimes, i hope u will know how lost and insecure im

but everything is impossible

and anyways
all i hope and want
is u to be happy :))
u nvr bully me, u nvr judge me
though u ran away with my stuff before -.- but that was because u were just playing/teasing :)
there was nvr any awkward moments between u and me.
i nvr feel lost with u around :)
i will continue to admire u :))
yes im finally clear. i admire u :) not LOVE :D
n i wan us to be friends forever :))
goody friends :))

im gna be careful.
from today onwards
very careful :))

i will do things... ...
to ensure my safety.

2011-03-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

its bin long :)

hectic term.

the worst
ever.

anyway u people can chose to or not to read this post.

if u need entertainment, i suggest u go youtube or whatsoever entertaining site to entertain urself.

but if u realli care, if u want to know what has happen to me this few months, go on :)

first thing:

exams
suck
big time
its even worst than last sem

the paper gets harder and harder.

OBC

was suppose to be the paper that i have least confidence in, but it became the paper that im most confident in. not because dis paper is easy, but because the other 2 was difficult. but compare this paper to last year exam, this is okay. the thing i was pissed about, was that ONLI 1 - 3 questions on reactions came out. I MEMORISED THE REACTIONS LIKE SIAO (N)

INPH

i slept for onli 2 - 3 hours plus that day. seriously. i didnt expect it to be so difficult. compare it to 2010 paper, 2010 paper was MAD easy. -.- i was stuck at alot of questions. none of it im confident in getting full marks :(((((((((( WHYYYYYY SO DIFFICULTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

CMB

the worst of the worst. seriously why why why why why. so losttttttt so stuck when i did the paper. i didnt expect it to be so difficult. omg almost lost control while i was doin the paper. almost broke down. whole of question3, 20 marks, WO BU HUI ZUOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! :'((((((((((((((

DEAD. thx.

second thing:

i think i have to apologise to many ppl about many things

i realised ive changed too much this term.

and the ironic thing was that i was trying to find back whoeveri was a few months back

i probably started wrong. so i ended wrong.

i finally knew who was there for me.

have u ever realised, all that u wanted was something interesting, entertaining, so u asked, so u show concerned for, and not because u realli care? :) ( = gossips)

have u realised how alone ive felt when i realised something yet all i did was to tell myself, u can live with it, and without feeling anything?

u know, ive been through dis so many times that my tears stopped flowing.

i know ive changed. as the time goes by, ive slowly changed into someone, far from who i realli was _ years ago. i missed her.
how did she even go missing?

why didnt anyone ask?

all they did was judge. why?

so many things happen

i cry almost every single day

reason? can be empty, can be many

i have mood swings. everyday

i can be very happy one moment, i can be real upset the next

my appetite was either very good or very bad

n what i meant was very good, meaning i just keep gorging. hungry or not.
it was as if, eating could distract me.

there was nothing in this world, that kept me going on.

nothing at all

ive tried many many ways, to keep myself motivated, keep myself going, telling myself i will be fine the next day or next moment as long as i stay positive, but theres always sumthing that pulls me down

u know
dis
feeling
is like

i was climbing up a never ending ladder

and i was so high

but sumhow, one of the rung broke

i fell, but not all the way

probably lucky enough to hold on to one of the rungs.

i received a few scratches, blisters, it was painful, bt it doesnt matter

so i continue climbing.

one of the rungs broke again

i fell. dis time lower down.

n dis continues after everytime ive decided to stay strong and move up

and as it goes on, i realised i became further and further away from that highest point that ive climbed to. at the same time, the amount of injuries that was on me, that ive ignored, increases. n by then, i was bleeding.

everything continues, till i fell to the floor
back to where ive started
helplessly, looking at the highest point ive reached
that difference

by then, i was too tired to move on.
nothing was encouraging.
those injuries on me, all those hard work, came to nought

till today, im still at the floor.
i didnt bother to climb up
i wont climb up
till i realised what to be
and who to be.

to be someone that is suitable for climbing this ladder again.

its probably enough to sum up whatever ive been feeling dis whole sem

i apologise
to people who realli care for me
:))
sorry for the mood swings
also
on valentine day
i didnt say anything during the outing
cause i dn want to hurt any of u
i was full of sarcasm that few days

thank you
owl.

thank you for hearing me rant about my practical exam :))
getting a D for sumthing im supposed to do well in is demoralizing :(
thank you for encouraging and caring
thank you for understanding
thank you for everything :))
ima lucky tiger :D

thank you
jiexi.
though sumtimes i get annoyed over those spam messages u sent
but sum, ive to admit, are interesting :))
im grateful for 3 things
first one, was to bother replying my msg, with encouraging words.
second, no matter how sarcastic i was, no matter how mean i was in my words, u manage to sensed sumthing wrong, u see the whole pic, instead of getting pissed or annoyed with me (u probably did, but i guess u have (Y) ways of supressing ur anger or annoyance) and instead of sending me anger msges, u sent msges asking me to cheer up or so :)) if im a boy, seriously i would have (L) u.
n i wanted to say that whenever i rmb us conferencing about ur problems concerning wanda, i feel like pinching ur cheeks :))

thank you to all who bother to read my msg, and reply :))

thank you ASTD.

thank you
lala
u never fail to cheer me up with ur silly moves :))
hahah n the thing is u dn look like that kinda of person who will do such stuff -.- seriously. haha
CUTEEEEEEEE
n one more thing.
STOP OBSERVING. thx
:))

to anonymous:
u probably wont even enter here
u probably didnt expect me to change so much
from the last time u saw me
that laughy, cheerful etc... ... girl into anyone elses who could easily, fit into this world

anyway.
something big happened during my exam week. great. awesome much?
all i had to say was
i admit i was wrong.
u were right about everything
bt u were wrong about smth
u were wrong to judge me
i cried. never because of the words u said
n do u know why?
its not the first time ive to deal with these words
do u even know why i didnt even try to argue back
its because i couldnt
because im sumone who reflect on herself FIRST RATHER than judge others
do u even know ive deal with that kinda words for umpteen of times alr
UNTIL I SIAN until i m tired UNTIL nothing matters anymore?

for 18 years of my life
u were never there for me
so u have NO RIGHTS to judge me, to want me to change into the way u think its right. NO RIGHTS at all
u didnt even know what ive gone through
so... diam :))

n u know right.
its just so weird
u r the one who said u dn ever want to see me again
n yet ure the one who complained to others that i didnt want to tok to u
n the problem is. i did reply u when u asked me questions
-.-

2010-12-29T08:53:00.000-08:00

im feeling a little better now.
ive deleted the post that i initially wanted to publish.
and ive deleted some part of the post that ive published previously
i need to make clear of many things
i dont want my friends and parents to worry about me

it seems that ive not deal with things in a right and mature way this time
ive shown my emotions, unknowingly.
im childish and annoying
but thats because ive been calm and composed and ve been controlling myself since the start of this new semester
ive ignored many many things
but i can never ignore the silent competition that is going on
everyone aims to be the top
no, not me. anymore
i dont wna be the top
i just want to do my best and score good results
but things doesnt always turn out the way i want
i want to study in a way that i love to study, not in a manner that ive to compete and everything
apparently this method failed so badly that i scored my lowest among my whole sem.
no, im not upset over that score
and im nt upset because my method fail because im happy :)) im not stressed up or whatsoever. i faced my notes in a calmer way.
the only thing that made me upset is facing fuckers with books open EVERYDAY and PROJECTS have to be finished ASAP that kinda thing.
i wan to take things slow and steady. im on my healing route.
and someone pulled me back to reality.
im disgusted. really.
i dont need an alarm clock seriously because i know when i have to wake up
and too, i know how and when to get ready
why must u be so asshole and volunteer to be that alarm clock?
and now everything gets messed up, im not ready, im not awake and this whole fuck came pressing on me until i went mad and went crazy and i end up.... not being myself.
i lost myself in between
i will never forget u
i hate u
i will make sure u suffer the same way as i do.

and because of that one person, i lost control of many many things, including myself, my emotions
ive lost the calmness in dealing with things
ive lost control over my feelings
ive lost control of all my memories.
u just did something realli small, realli realli small. but it broke me so much
it may seemed to be a small thing to people
but dont judge.
because u dont know me. u know how my past, u wont understand.
u wont know what ive been doing
how i handle things so shut up.

anyways my heart has always been empty
it has always been dis way since young
and so, my world is empty.
what lala, lalabro, mickey, and whatever blah blah codes there are, no, i dont love them at all
they are just eyecandies that i think cute or whatsoever.
lala, he is the one that i talked about most
but that is because i admire him. yes. for a long long long long long long time
but i dont love him.
i dont like him in a way that i misses him or whatsoever
i talked about him because i admire him, i find him interesting, he did fill up my life. but onli for a while, onli one part.
and hes the reason for sucky results -.- hahahah
but i onli admire him.
i was finally clear of my own feelings
no more misunderstandings

the penknife thingy.
the penknife has gone missing.
no i stopped hurting myself.
i swore that 3 slashes on my wrist is accidental. its paper cut.
dam it. theres still mark there
thought ive promised to stop cutting myself 3 years ago?
ive started a few months ago again but i stopped
its because i love my mom and my dad
my mom had me in her womb for 9 months, and someone told me before each time a mom gives birth to a child, she is risking her life.
im her life. i can imagine the pain and hurt if she realised what i have been doing. she will be broken. i cried very very hard because i tried imagining the pain. it tears a mom apart
but my mom wont suspect me because to her, im always strong, mature, intelligent, realistic, always doing the right things.
i think my dad saw. n i think i broke him.
if he knows, im sorry. and thank you for keeping it a secret. it must be hard.
anyways. i know my sister reads my blog. so if she happens to see this part, i know she will do the right thing. i know she will do the thing that is best for everyone. and that is, not telling them what ive been doing.
people inflict pain, inflict cuts on themselves
theres always a reason for doing so.
no i dont wna die. i want to live. i have a happy family and caring friends. i dont want to die.
i cut myself so i can live. i need something to distract me. i need something more painful to distract and take away the pain.
people have their ways of dealing with hurts. i used this. (not anymore. no worries)

there are still alot alot alot of thing i wna post. alot of truth that was on the verge of coming out yesterday. but ive deleted that post. no. its too much. i dont wna betray myself. i only betray myself, when ive prepared myself to get betrayed by others. yes, im that scarey.
there is this chinese word, called ren xing.
i dont wan to post and regret because of my yi shi de ren xing
i need to be more mature
im not mature enough.
im still young.
im still new to this world
i need to learn alot of stuff
learn to handle stuff.
especially things that deals with the heart
an empty heart usually cannot withstand temptations
that is another reason why i am easily broken
lets play with the mind now.
not with the heart
i will play with my mind. and u get my point

my reflections will be a short one
2010:
i miss PL alot alot alot alot alot alot
but i know i need to grow up
but i promise, one day i will wear back my size 34 high belt knee length pinafore, high hang ten socks and broken shoes hahahaha. and i will carry my black and gold converse sling bag, carry that disgusting blue file which ive used for around 2 years and the file which received the most complains from my classmates hahahaha. clarice and sam were so pissed and disgusted they bought a new one for me but i still haven use :D my worksheets were all sticking out whether rain or shine.... okay so u just imagine how it looks :D omg lmao hahahaha. i still remember ive read the same storybook for 1 years (title: the neverending story).... really neverending :P and from a complete nice and neat book by the end of the year it was broken into 2 parts. the front and back cover came off and ya with alot of scotchtapes dangling here and there. omg the funneh thing is that whenever someone never bring her book for silent reading, she will just borrow one part from me hahahah and ya. so its kinda useful :D
hahahaha march start, we all start running (okay, onli kanchiong spiders run)
then theres devotion (sad to say, but im always sleeping. but i was never caught!)
then singing national athem and saying pledge
after that will be silent reading (i also always end up sleeping but was never caught :P it takes skills :)) )
if suay enough, there will be spot checks. but im always not caught. if i will get caught, it will be only cause of my second earhole and long hair. but easy, just remove the earring and start plaiting (i always bring extra rubberband) and tadah :D im off :))
be smart :)
after spot check, put back the earring and remove the plait :)) omg im such a bad girl haha

poly life. 2010 is all about poly life
classmates is okay. but i prefer 4b1 like alot more. im so sorry
the people are okay, but not as active as 4b1
and not as united too. we eat lunch together everyday, bt we sit in cliques. so whats the point?
-.-
okay maybe its better than nothing. oh wells
n i miss mr lim and ms wong :(( best teachers
i miss mr lim jokes and ms wong cuteness. oh my
2 years ago, sec 3, when i remember my partner was moykit. i remember in one of mr lim lessons, as usual, he was telling jokes and everything, i remember at that particular moment, i was thinking, i can enjoy his jokes and laugh and laugh for a long time. 2 years is a long time. it wont go off so soon.
no im wrong :((
haix
memories. yess i need them. they tell us which is better
they allowed us to compare
they tell us to treasure :)
teachers/lecturers in poly just teach and teach. yes they make sure u understand and everything, but it is just so different.
i missed messing around now.

cca
CCA IN POLY IS DEFINITELY BETTER
hahahaa
seriously, they carn blame us for ponning cca in secondary schools and stuff.
okay mayb its me. maybe i just became more active after i enter poly.
sorry but i got so tired of doing CIP
i like interact club, and i joined because i want to go places like old folks home and orphanage and interact with old folks and children respectively
but class CIP and cca CIP doing all same things until i got so tired.
and not all cca meetings is doing CIP and stuff
the thing i like about my cca is because jiexi and rachel is in the same cca as me :D
and hahaha joanne :)) shes dam funneh hhahaha
wilma, jaslyn... ... omg i miss them :)
cca in poly is okay
yay ive used my lyrics :D
but i wont be performing :((
n i guess im gna start ponning cca soon.
some reaons
okay yes thats cca

results have been deproving
need to buck up :)

2011:
will be a better year
because i say so :))
i want to be more mature
i want to be able to handle things well
i want to be able to distinguish things carefully
i want to be able to play with my heart and mind
i want to be able to control my heart and mind
thats all for now.
there are more, but thats all for now

its just me not posting everything up :))
things are always twisted, in my world
u wont get the full truth, u wont get the full lie
the main point is, i wont let u get ur way
and i want u to know, u are not always right, u will be wrong
that is me :)

2010-12-26T04:34:00.000-08:00

2010 is coming to an end :((

its bin more than a year since ive left PL
n i still miss being stuck in it
with all those rules: plaited long hair, short nails, long skirt, high belt and many more
those rules doesnt affect me much since im a good student. not those role model kind, just those i dn break rules, u leave me alone kind

i havent bin blogging for 2 months++ since second semester started
second semester in this course called pharmacy science
to tell you the truth, i don't really like this course, n i always wonder to myself how am i gna survive through another 2 years
how much changes must i make, to survive that 2 years
how much lies must must i say, to make people think: shes fine

i really dont like this grown up brain, this mature brain
it sensed everything so specifically, that u carnt get away with anything without feeling anything
i still remember in the past, i could just get away with things without thinking, without feeling,and time will just carry me past the whole thing. well, thats because im still dumb and ignorant
well, ya lah, n it was because im dumb, i did alot of nonsensical stuff, got myself into trouble and blah blah blah. well so its kinda balanced the whole thing

dis 2 months... ... im proud of myself
not my results though, shit. my common test was screwed dam badly
proud of myself because i went through dis 2 months without feeling anything, ignoring things, not spoiled by my choices, emotions, and heart.
i tried going against myself :)) n yay! i did it...
but because of that, ive turned myself into an ice monster.
i was cold
very cold.
so cold that i frighten myself sumtimes

things doesnt matter anymore
im left with an empty heart
theres no one special inside now
ive emptied the last bit
he has turned into memory
a faded one

yesterday was christmas
n i had fever
christmas eve my family and i went to small aunts house and celebrate
yes... hair issue
my bright brown hair gt some attention here and there
well, i just wna say im nt any ah lian or minah or wadeva
i may look like one, but im not. i admit, im a nerd sumtimes

well it might be because of my different dressing, appearance, attitude, character in school and outside :))
which explains the contradictory names ive received
why do i have to make things so complicated?
i have no idea :P
hahaha
christmas day was spent at my uncle's house.
i love those spicy nuggets
bt i have not really much appetite since i wasnt feeling well
i was so cui-ed that i went upstairs and slept for 1 hr ++ haha
then went down n had logcake (Y)
my parents are so fexible (Y)
hahaha
bling bling got me hyped up :D
bt i din win lah

anyways thanx jeremy for the christmas present :))
the one and only christmas present for this year
hahaha

okay i shall go look at my baby photos now :D
then i shall go watch some videos
2010 is coming to an end. 5 more days :((
shall do another reflection of the year soon :D
bye for now!

2010-10-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

i locked the door, threw the key away, and walked away

its just an empty room. no one will bother to open it, no one will remember it, no one will show concern for it.

that is how i store my memories

i dont remember anything

i only remember the reason, the consequences, and then punishes myself

so many things to blog about (Y)

8oct10friday was clique outing

went WWW

full clique outing (Y)

though i had many many many unglams that day

bt yarr dn realli care

www was okay

nt very fun

n nly was dam rough HAHA

4 incidents happened

the last one was to shut my mouth haha cause i kept complaining she very rough :P

ok

after www went dinner at i dno which place

enjoyed dinner

n omg

embarassing moments

every outing, without fail

LOL

after dinner, me jam ly went to get ice cream

the first time was okay

second time was embarassing like mad

haha

i dno hw to say, very hard to say in detail bt just very malu

n when i looked up,

SCAREY

the people at the three tables nearest to us were staring at us

i din know we've attracted so much attention

the people Q-ing behind were aso laughing n smiling at us

N OMG jam's white shirt kena chocolate icecream

WRONG PLACE SUMORE

went toilet with her to wash ahhaha

then went home

madness

13oct10wednesday was night out with clique. RENEE LAI WILL BE COMING WITH US FOR NEXT ONE.

went to tampinese and had dinner at food court -.-

sell porridge auntie thought we foreigners.

afterwards went bugis watch the other guys

ok lah nt bad

quite funneh

show ended at 11+pm

wanted take mrt to marina bay bt mrt closed -.-

took cab there

chat, chill, stone, play, take pic

afterwards went jx hse

removed makeup, bathed

n LOL i took a photo of myself after removing my makeup (Y)

to compare the difference

-.- lame shit

talked then slept

woke up next morning

rachel's father brought us home :))

ty

slept

16oct10friday

went sentosa wid ly n jiexi

rachel joined us later

i sat in shade while they suntanned

n FML.

now my left side is fair while my right side is a lil tanned.

NT BALANCE

haix

nvm

afterwards went home

schools starting soon

soon

soon

soon

soon

next week

i wan cry alr

haixxx

i dn wan sports n wellness

my IS is in the afternoon

im dam scared none of my classmates same class as me

omg

gw

gw

gw

haixxx no choice.

school starts = trouble starts

im doomed :'((

i never destest school so much

i know the reasons

bt i carn change it

i can only change myself

sorry u can ignore this part:

I DN EVER WNA SEE U AGAIN
GET FUCKING LOST
I HATE U
BIG MOUTH WOMAN
I HOPE KARMA HITS u
thats hw much i hate u
i believe in karma
cause i got hit by it alot of times
its not sumthing very nice

anyway, to u, the special one

its smth u wun know

I miss u

Also, im glad because

i can live without u

:))

bye :))

2010-10-01T23:20:00.001-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE!!!

even though im 2 days late in blogging about my bday
but well, :D happy birthday!!! TO MEEEEEEE

29sep10 wednesday
went kbox with dawn ahhaa
:))
my kbox partner (Y)
she gave me birthday present :))
thanx dear, love the hat alot!!! :D

30sept10thursday
went to collect passport wid mum in the afternn
saw edward.
said hi and bye
super duper qiao (Y)
went marina bay and meet my sis and her boyfriend
went walk around
bought earrings
went cityhall wid mum while sis n her bf went to watch movie
(sorry for lack of proper eng here, im keeping things short so all in point form. actually my post are all like dis :P)
then shopped for a while
went meet jiexi kia, jaime hoon, liying neo, rachel tay, harsha channa at marina bay mrt
went marina barrage
:D
had cheese bread for dinner
chatted
waited for harley to come
harley came,
:)) prepared n sang birthday song :D
thanx guys for the cookies and the bracelet and anklet (Y)
took photo
laughed like mad
went high :D
THANK YOU GUYS FOR EVERYTHING!!!
I FEEL AS IF IM THE LUCKIEST, HAPPIEST GAL ON EARTH!!
ok went home
reached home at 11++
bathe
celebrate bday wid family
raspberry cake (Y)
:D
went online
thank everyone for their birthday wishes (Y)
:D realli thanx
if i were to compare dis year birthday with last year, last year was horrid
i was crying like sum fool last year. :((
its all in the past now

1stoct10friday
went out with jam, liying n harley to vivo to watch movie
omg UNGLAM TTM
nevermind its those unglam stuff that makes everything fun
haha jaime tried piggy back me
but i was so stiff it was dam funny
haha
liying ... haixx
first time gt sumone piggy back me till fall down LOL
haha no scold no scold
haha too funneh
lmao-ing like mad
yarr the whole day is filled with unglam. but fun
went to giant buy stuff
we took lift to B1, THEN B2, THEN LEVEL 1.
then from level 1 we went back to B2 (giant at b2)
we crossed the carpark. dam effing hot n stuffy. n we finally found GIANT
watched the movie DEVIL
N WE WERE LATE FOR THE MOVIE
movie start at 1.50pm, but at 1.50, we were still at giant
jam's watch spoil -,-
LOL
so we rushed like mad idiots
LOL omg we r like filming out own movie lidat
ran like sum fucktards -.-
movie was okay lah
storyline is uhhh ok only
bt i dn realli like the show.
nt much of a gore or anything.
n i suddenly rmb the night before jaime was trying hard to persuade us to view the pics of the show, bt we started to leave convo one by one. lol too funneh
all too scared. haha
after movie, went up and camwhore
took pics. do jump shots
piggy back
enjoyed myself
ate sushi hahaha
went home :))

ok u can skipped dis part if u dn feel like reading depressed stuff or wadeva.

why do i haf dis feeling u've changed
or maybe because i haven bin updated by alot alot of stuff?
or its just me, im missing out sumthings.
i really dont know

ok nvm
tired
i think its time to step back into reality.

i got back my results
i GOT A FUCKING C
its okay, i actually expected a D for my infotech
:)) thanx mr phang :D
the rest i think okay lah
N I DIN GET ALL As, in case u misunderstood or smth. :))